Sometimes, passion burns

 

Pam’s House Blend:: Breaking: CA Sup Court Denies Motion To Kick Prop 8 Off Nov Ballot

 

The question arises, which is more important *right now*:

Marriage Equality in California or Trans Employment rights elsewhere?

What sucks is that it puts me, personally, in a bit of a bind from a friendship standpoint, as the people engaged in this discussion are my friends.

I have been campaigning for Marriage equality for about 7 years or so now. Actively and strongly.  I’ve never been involved in the LGB community, either — to me it is an issue of basic, fundamental civil rights, no more and no less important than any other civil rights fight.

I am a very strong, personal statistic regarding trans employment and marriage rights, as well, and it was well after I started my fight above that that in specific became deeply important to me.

I’m one of those statistics.  Over a thousand job applications, and no hiring, because I was visibly transgender.  Things have changed (rather startlingly, I’ve noticed, thanks to two pictures soon to vanish forever), but I’m once again entering that search now.

And my ability to move forward is dependent on my being able to be employed.

I’m out and I’m open, too. Well, at least in my day to day life right now, as locally my present work has meant that I have no other choice.

And I am very passionate about my work locally, which has so far to go, despite happening in a location that is far more tolerant of transfolk than any other place I’ve heard or known of.

So I know that passion is fire.

The problem, however, is that that fire must be contained and directed carefully, or it scorches everything, for fire is not simple, happy stuff.  Fire is always hungry, always seeking fuel.  And Passion ignited can burn friend as well as foe, destroy weal and create woe, and become the very thing it was intended to stop.

There is a point where passion becomes zealotry.

I have honed my fire very sharply.

It took time and deep, serious consideration.

I realized, for example, that it wasn’t Joe Solomonese  I should be wishing ill on.  IT was Barney Frank.

I realized that JS is still a fuckwit and should quit.

I realized that the HRC really is strong enough to shrug the rest of the country off. But only because no one else has the contacts it has. BUt I also realized that they aren’t strong enough to remain the powerful tool (in so many ways) that they are and *not* come lick the boots of the transnation.

Gay people often hate the fact that I call them trans.

So I’m careful, and don’t *force* that moniker on them, despite it being appropriate (they are, after all, transgender), but I guide my arguments on their behalf from that perspective.

I have to.  I’m not gay. Its the only way I can get my head around it.

But then, I’m not subject to the usual ignorance on the subject, either (no, not at all — my ignorance on the subject is always much more subtle and sneaks up and bites me on the ass when I least expect it).

Just before I started this entry, I finished the very first stuff for a website for the local trans political group — which I am active in and trying very hard to help get off the ground on a positive way.

This question of passion and fire and priorities is affecting them, too.  But all of us have to make mistakes to learn.

I did.  And I got an email from someone I admired greatly one day that more or less told me to shut the fuck up, because I had gone off the deep end over the ENDA debacle.

SO I did.

 

Damn you.  IT worked.

 

Within my lifetime, transfolk will treated equally before the law with cisfolk.

That’s within the next 17 years.

Because I won’t be around much longer after that…

Angry, Lonely, and Tired

In the 12 step programs that more or less fill my every bleeping waking hour here, there is a phrase called “HALT” — and it means o stop whatever you are doing when you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

 

The only reason I’m not hungry is I did my duty and ordered pure fat from McD’s and scarfed it.

 

The rest, though, oh yeah.  Every single one.

 

I am angry.  I have worked hard for 7 months now to build something up from a ground, and the little digs at me by my boss (who I still think of highly, but simply cannot be around anymore) have tossed aside her old balance (the 10 to 1 ration of good things to bad things is out the freaking window).

I have done everything *and more* asked of me, and now hat I;m pretty much not merely burned out but utterly wiped out, I’m not getting consideration fro what I have done until now, but only for what I did ten minutes ago.

 

It got *really* old.

 

I am Lonely.  Yes, I have two boyfriends and I can go and get nookie and all that, but I am lonely for just plain old friendship and tired of it seeming to be tied to my association with my 24 hours a day, 7 days a week job that’s given me an excuse to triple my nicotine intake and prevented me from doing the things that I love to do as an individual.

I’d really like to be able to go out dancing.  To go out with my friends.  To socialize with someone *other* than a herd of transsexuals. TO have a way of escaping the politics that of late have gripped my life from before I wake until shortly before I go to bed.

 

Which is why I am tired.  I have had no real time for me.  As a person.  As a single, lone individual.  I am stuck, and I am tired of being stuck. TIred of being emotionally and spiritually and intellectually drained (I mean, holy shit, I’m shying away from arguments!!!)

 

And, despite loving what I do, I am no longer able to do it.

For two weeks, I have been unable to summon the power of self up to do more than occupy space and bitch a lot.

So I’m quitting.

 

Offically, my last day will be saturday, but I can’t do that.  That’s too long, and so tomorrow I will pack all my crap up and move to my bf’s house and be gone for at least a week. No contact, let the crap fall where it may, and then I will come back. On a different footing.

 

I *might* be able to do more work here.THere is more that needs to be done, but I could not do it in the position I was in.

 

but that won’t happen until next week.

 

So I am out of there.

 

And, of course, that means all manner of changes to my life and that affects pretty much everything else, including this!

 

oddly enough, though, I am Dyssonance.  And  own dyssonance.com.  Which is starting to look strangely familiar….

who knows….

What I knew then…

Today I went to a website IU frequent and came across someone new who was just starting, and, for some strange reason, I felt compelled to give advice.

 

So here it is:

well, first off, welcome.
Secondly, its not the morons that say you have a mental disorder. Its the people who are not morons, but are not Trans that say that.
They sorta have the upper hand.
get ready for a rather interesting journey, where yu find yourself subjected to all sorts of external pressures, and you lose something you never even knew you had that makes life *really* easy for you.
Here is a great place to learn. There are people from all walks, all levels, all backgrounds. It can be a bit negative at times, but always focus not on the negative, but on the positive.
Avoid bigotry within yourself. Much easier said than done.
Ask questions.
Be brave.
Hold your head high, and face fear.
Be kind to others, smile, and laugh.
Be considerate — that is, consider those around you as you move forward, and act in a manner consistent with how they will respond. That doesn’t mean *not* do something, just be aware of what you are doing and how it affects them.
Plan on losing everything you have now, and gaining all new things to replace that which is lost.
Be open in heart, mind, and soul.
Be more humane to others.
Know that you will gain enemies now. Know them, and know what they will do and how they will do it.
Educate yourself. Learn about sex, gender, hormones, surgeries, law both local and national, and religious bigotry (both sorts — the bigotry against the religious and the bigotry of the religious)
Have fun, and take everything only as seriously as it deserves.
Get your feet rubbed.
Save every penny and use it on laser & electrolysis first.
Remember that you have to undo 40 years of masculine socialization, and catch up in one tenth that number of years.
Know that hormones take 6 months to really start working, and that its consistency more than amount that matters. And that its five years to really finish it right.
Remember your puberty for all that it sucked. Because you get to do it again — and this time you know now what you didn’t know then.
Help others. They, in turn, will help you.
Take care of your health.
Buy a lot of kleenex, and prepare for mood swings.
Follow your own style.
Accept criticism, both constructive and otherwise.
Remember there is no *right* way to transition. But thee are a LOT of wrong ones.
Be aware that this has f’d you up over the years. Your therapist will be key.
They are your employee. Fire them if they try to treat your GID, and don’t immediately assume they are fighting with you on anything else.
There are a gazillion stupid rules. Learn them: http://wpath.org/Documents2/socv6.pdf
Read that. Make sure your therapist has. Have them explain it to you — and if they can’t, fire them. They have a job to do, and it is more than write letters. But those letters are all you will really care about.
Protect your credit.
If you want to go fast, go fast. If you want to go slow, go slow. Expect to want to go fast at the start.
Go meet other Transfolk. Support groups aren’t fun, but the experience is helpful. In person, as online is not a substitute.
Don’t *only* hang out with transfolks. We’re weird. It rubs off.
Be yourself, and love the life you have built thus far as much as you will build the one you start anew on.
Remember that life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving. Feast a lot.
And, lastly, and most importantly, remember that opinions and assholes share a lot in common.

 

I sit here and reflect on having learned all of that.

 

what think ya’ll?

Meme tag

Ok, so, its late, and I’m doing my just before bed blog reading, and I stop by dear Nexy’s Cocoon and I get tagged evilly (as did any other readers of her blog).

so….

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring-summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

*mutter mutter*I don’t *know* seven people who read my blog!  I think I have about two.

bah — both of ya is tagged.  And yeah, Nexy, that means you got it back. No tagbacks!!

Ok…

Fortunately for me, I have an Ipod. Yes, I have succumbed to the evils of the apple DRM and all that crap, blah blah, whatever.  Its coo, it works with my old computer speakers, and it plays videos, too.  Besides, I won it.

Anyway, according to it, the songs I am keyed into the most right now are mostly ones that are carrying me through this moment in time. By play count:

1. Apologize by timbaland.
2. Feel Good Inc, By Gorillaz.
3. Black Horse and the Cherry Tree by K. T. Tunstall
4. Aerie by *me* (yes, me, as in a piddle and once in a blue moon come up with something cool)
5. Goodbye my Lover by James Blunt
6. Cruel, Crazy, Beautiful world by Johnny Clegg and Savuka
7. The Obvious Child by Paul Simon

Now. of course, a meme like this is just *begging*for an explanation of why, so…

1 - Because I just love the way it *sounds*.  It just *feels* good in an aesthetic tactile sense when you let music wash over you as physical force.  I’m weird, though, and, admittedly, insane, so eh.

2 - ITs a cool video.

3 - girl power.

4 - Aerie is a song I created shortly after I came out, and is sorta a reflection of how I feel as a person having come out. If three people ask me for it, I will put a link up to it online.

5 - I still love my wife. The rest is in the song.

6 - Well, it is, isn’t it?

7 - Back when, there was a song off this album that really speaks to my spiritual side, and while its in my list, for some reason I listen to this more.  I guess it reminds me of where I used to be.

So, there ya go.  One meme.

Now to hunt an especially evil one down…

The Value Of Flesh

So I’m cruising through some old sites and catching up on them and I stumble across one that has a rather interesting link to it, so naturally I had to go through it just to see.

And, apparently, in some fantasy land of twisted statistical analysis, I am worth 1200 bucks an hour.

 

Powered By limobus

As a sex object, of course.

Now, I’m of the rather odd mindset that says selling the *concept* of sex, the allure of it, and the assorted *potentiality* of it, is ok, provided its done with the cooperation of the individual, and they get the lion’s share of the profits from it.

Flip side, its the actual act of sex that more or less gets me pissy, and I am quite ready to admit that there’s no good reason for it, and that my personal feelings about it extend to a sum total of one person.

 

Sex sells, and if I can make money tossing on blond hair and purring, well, I’ll do it.  But being fucked is *never* on my mind or even a possibility in my mind for money.  Not even metaphorically.

I mean, I’m not stupid — as perpetuating of a particular and annoying stereotype as it is, it does pay well.  Certainly not as well as, for example, the above price, but still quite well.

So, per that site, I’m worth 1200 an hour in bed, as an object of sex. Which is odd, because according to the site, most folks are only worth a few hundred. Which is, of course, almost certainly pat and parcel of the whole foolish game that surrounds it.

And yet…

… I can earn 300 to 500 a night.  All I have to do is be willing to have sex with people I don’t know. So say the people that I know that can and have and, yes, do do this. *why* is still something I don’t get, and Im none to interested in finding out, given that it seems most of the working gals I know are tops, and they are sought by bottoms.

I could try stripping — its profitable, but how much would I realistically be able to make?

I’m not sure wether to be offended by it, or to welcome it, and so I;m coming to the conclusion that perhaps I should take it as it was intended:

with a wry grin and a giggle.

I mean, *me*, 1200 a night?  Heh.

Milestones

There are moments in a life when you sit back and you feel the rewards for doing something that you didn’t really expect much from.

Today is such a day for me  A day of strange firsts, and a day of things that look good on the surface, but beneath are not as bright and cheery as we’d like them to be — hell, as I’d like them to be.

Because this is about me, in all my strangeness, my peculiar womanself, my odd “man-with-boobs-and-a-wig” aesthetic that I am still reminded of, as jarring as it can be.

Disparaging comment, perhaps but one that helps me to “keep it real” in some ways, despite the obvious hallucinatory nature of it. There are those moments when I fear that tomorrow I will wake up and all of this will have been a dream; and I’m not sure which is worse, the waking from it, or what I could wake up to.

Today, mere hours ago as I wrote this, I received a paycheck. Insignificant thing, that paycheck, in and of itself. For an amount that is in any great scheme of things a meager pittance, a good faith showing.

But it was the first paycheck of this organization for which I work. And, after nearly 5 months of putting my heart and soul into this, some would feel it was deserved. I question that, even now, for not only is this place not my dream, not only is it a constant source of heartache and disappointment and emotional distress the likes of which I can’t ever recall having felt in my life, not only is it something that I sorta fell into…

… I am not the one that spent ten years making it happen.  Yet here I sit, paid a pittance before her. They were months short of a year open when I arrived here, someone in a bad way, but not nearly as bad as those for whom it was intended.

I’ve never done non-profit work before.  I’m a profit driven beast in an older life, a past life, a different sort of mindset where success is usually measured in how much of it you can take for yourself and damn those around you.  And I was good at what I did, in every case, save for the personal politics of working for others (where I excelled at the tasks and the job, but usually pissed everyone off in the process because I still did it my own way.

Perhaps that is something I need to change about myself.  Its certainly been a problem for me in some ways ere, though the people who signed that paycheck of mine would never have known it, anymore than they would know what that simple paycheck means to me.

Its not money.

ITs my first.

Like a lot of gals. I’ve been hellbent on discarding the old life that was mine, and in erasing it in ways that count.

Today I erased everything I ever did before in one moment.

FOr today I earned a paycheck that bore my name on it and that represented *me*, as I am, as who I am.  Not as who I tried to be for so damned long.

If i was totally pickled like I am so tempted to do, I’d likely be a mess right now, but instead I’m in a quiet, slightly teary state of silent contentment.

I’ve got that serenity that they speak of, that sense of inner peace and acceptance. Today I showed that I am a woman who does a job well enough to be valued in some sense, to be felt as if I was worth something, to be held up not as some sort of sad victim of circumstance but one woman who an stand up for herself — and, often, despite herself.

Today I realized that my boyfriend will do more for me than I ever imagined, as we made an offer on a house today. Imagine a man putting up with me!  Enough to buy me a house. (well, me and four other girls, by the time we are done with it, as it is going to be the new aftercare house for here).

Today I have proof positive that my effort was valued, that my integrity was respected, that my diligence and dedication were seen. Even if they weren’t, really — none of that matters.

FOr 50 bucks, my world has started anew, and it still hasn’t sank in yet.  TOmorrow I will deposit a check, and it will go into a bank account with my name and be used pay my bills and it will be my first.

It will be my best.

First paycheck I ever had was 25 dollars for delivering pennysavers. FOr a month.

First I paid myself was 10 bucks, after six months of selling myself to restaurants with not one bite.  It was the last 10 dollars the company had. I spent it on a friend who was unemployed and hungry.

The next day I got a call and a contract for 90 days. Started my first business.

They pale in comparison.10 bucks a month, and its still the happiest check I’ve ever gotten.

might just get me some hormones as a back up. So I *can* be pickled…

or not.

tomorrow, the day will be like any other. I will get up and work, and the hardship will still be there and the bills will still need to be paid, and all the world will go on as it is wont.

and at some point it will hit me, and I will lie down, and I will cry small tears of happiness.

Edginess

miracle of miracles, I’m writing my post before 10.

More personally rewarding, Im doing it from somewhere other than the halfway house, as Sunday is my day off and I’m enjoying it thoroughly, despite my shot last night playing havoc with my emotions.

ITs difficult, too — I’ve gotten used to typing with nails, but mine have been totally shot over the last week thanks to feeling really stressed out.  Been balancing the hunt for a house to be the 3/4 house, dealing with m bf who’s bee getting grumpy abut my willingness to put up with things, changes at the house, my boss trying to adjust to my leaving soon from living there, and additional responsibilities that are being heaped on me because, well, I’m the one who, at present can do them.

And I’m falling short in one area that is going to really put me in a bind tuesday night.

So I’m sitting in my boyfriend’s living room reflecting ont he events of last nght.

Twc a month, here, there is a meeting of transfolk that is important to me as a link to the broader community for the house. Ad t allows me to see people that otherwise I won’t have much cntact with.

Its been good, mostly, but occasionally there are times like last night that are not so good, lol.

There’s a young gal that’s been floating around the groups for a while.  She’s got issues, and I’ve always pretty much avoided her issues and just been a friend when needed. But last night, it sorta got to me, as there is a girl in the house that has similar really annoying habits and in being in that close proximity has triggered old skills and well, last night I sorta let loose on her.

Wsn’t the best thing to do, especially after my BF did the same, but I was upset because her willingness to cause a scene combined with the reluctance of our inexperienced server to pretty much ruin a dining experience.  On top of that, the girls were in rebellion mode (I’d been grumpy all day, so it was sorta coming), so things were sorta just off the wall last night.

The next one is a barbeque, and I dread the thought of attending it.

So I feel bad about sorta dumping on her — she sorta got the in person version of what I’ve done to trolls at Topix for the last few years — but I hope that some of it reached her and perhaps she’ll have a behavior change.

She’d last about two weeks at the House. the girl like her there right now took two weeks to sorta break.

Its a downside to the house and my role.  In order to maintain peace and accomplish the goals, I have to be rather incisive on the girls, and it cuts the quick sometimes — not my usual thng to do in person, but I guess that’s a part of the old me that’s gone.

Or, it could be hormonal, lol

Things are moving forward, however, with the plans outside the house, which makes me happy, and allows the time I’m putting in there to be worth the while.  I look forward to the day I’m only working there 10 hours a day, and able to go home and sleep and have two days off a week.

Rewarding work, but it is very draining.

my day off will now be interrupted, as I have to go and get my pissed about it boyfriend to take me back to the house for a short while so I can dispense meds to the girls that need them. Which will be myy, um, fifth visit to the house to work on my day off.

Catch ya later

The night

So, its late, as usual, and I’m finally free once again.

One of the things about being here is that the days are *very* long. The saving grace is that I’m stubborn, and they don’t start until 8 am.  And I really don’t start until 10 or 11 (takes me a bit to wake up).

Part of the reason these days can be so long is that my boss — while a sister in the t- sense — is also unpredictable, very ghetto, and, well, mercurial is a nice way to say it.

Like many, I find that there are some gals I just have an immediate, unspoken, bond with — we ‘click”, and they become, for me family.  The way we click differs, in the same way that our family bonds differ.  Some are sisters, some are moms, some are daughters.

My boss is my sister.  I see all her faults, and all her blessings, and She simply wouldn’t be her without all of them. But sometimes, she is a raging fing bitch.

Tonight started like that.

The first Thursday of each month, my therapist has an open support group meeting.  10 dollar donation sort of thing, and she’s been incredible in that she lets me haul my girls up there each month for free.  For some of them its the only therapy they get.

Tonight was the first time my boss came along.  We arrived late, as there was some fallout following the Fundraiser this past weekend.  In one case, I don’t mind.  In another, I do, and I will express that to her in a different venue. She does not always handle things in the most appropriate manner, and justifies it because in the end, she gets her way most of the time.

As a result, my long days got even longer.  Its ok — I can do something that needs to be done and get it set up so someone else can do it down the road. But I had *damn* well better see some income from all this effort sooner rather than later.

After all, a girl’s gotta shop and all…

Bought a new purse tonight (walmart.  I’m slowly learning and getting adventurous in my purchasing decisions), and almost wore my new dress but said naw — I’ll just wear another top that gives me super cleavage lol. Dressbarn is my friend. Especially thanks to one clerk at the one in Tempe who knows perfectly well and has never treated me as anything but a lady and given *great* advice.

And remembered me after 4 months, lol

So My boss and I are late to the group - which screws me up because we always spend a half an hour before chatting in the parking lot. The room is packed — at least 20 gals if not 25.  I could think it through, but that’s the number I’m picking because it felt like that.  She was immediately out of place, and conducted herself very well. ANd learned a lot.

My friend Billie has been hugely helpful in getting the girls around. Not only is she a safe, reliable driver, but she has the biggest damn van you have ever seen, and when you have a house of as many girls as I do, that van is *critical*.

After the meeting was the important part: the going out to eat.  Tonight was olive garden again (which is getting old, but, well, they know us now), which is always rich for my blood, and so Billie has in the past helped me to cover it when I’ve been low (I actually try to budget that.  For some girls, its literally been the first time they have ever been to a restaurant where you get served). No questions, complete grace and kindness.

My boss learned this tonight. She learned that there are things you can do that go beyond simple cash. That there are really smart, really cool girls out there who do not spend their time being boys and doing boy crap to other girls.

And that even the girls need a night out once a month that doesn’t involve talking about the program or a drag show.

Its really two to three times a month, if I can pull it off.  but that’s not often, as its very expensive.

She paid tonight (reward for the effort this past weekend), and really paid close attention to the gals I involved myself with.

and, this morning, things are a foot as a result.

So, overall it was a good thing.

Much better than dealing with windows vista…

So I’m getting a new phone

HTC Shadow Specs & Features (Phone Scoop)

Its not often that I actually look forward to some new gadget arriving — as geeky as I can be, I’m the sort of geek who recognizes the coolness of something but sorta says “eh, I can live without it”.

Took me 15 years to get around to getting a laptop, for example…

I’m currently excited because I get a new cell phone. Until very recently,  cell phones to me was a phone in my pocket — and I hate phones, lol.

But my need to start documenting to some extent the world around me has changed, and my personal sense of involvement with that world has evolved — rapidly, as I find my particular space in it and my own little way that’s all exciting.

So I get a new phone soon.  Not precisely sure when, as it will migrate through the hands of the man in TN who pays for it first, lol, but the phone is the link above.

IN other news — Tonight, in under an hour, I head up to 32nd and Cactus for the group meeting we have up there.  Its a nice few hours, and its going to be interesting tonight, since my boss is coming, and she does, well, not always the best in such situations.  After the meeting, is the dinner out, though.  IF she’s up for it, I expect her to shine and kick hind end.

Her presence places all manner of things in a sort of risk situation, but that’s ok.  Its time she see this side of my life — which is foreign to her experience.

The fundraiser went well, but was still troubled, and I’m not personally happy about it.  Then again, I’m not too worried since its sorta not my problem in how they do things.

*stop*

Well, that was before.  The night is starting bad.

Updates later.

All my efforts

A couple weeks ago, I met someone I’ve been trying to meet for a year — another blogger, another woman who shares similar outlooks and viewpoints to myself.

And then I had a fight with my boss.

I was a difficult period, the last two weeks, as I needed to get over something on my part, but I’ve finally done so. I was burned out, badly, but yesterday I came back with a vengeance, and so today I make a basic post.

THe House I work for has a fundraiser coming up this sunday. Its an important one, and I say that knowing that I may actually benefit a tiny bit from it, since I have diddly for an income.

So, without much more ado, the event:

Until that’s done, I may just be quiet…